Flying the friendly skies...

I'm sitting in the Boston airport. Got here three hours ago, after hitching a ride from Vermont. The week was madness. The last time I traveled alone was September, flying to Seattle to meet you all. This time, I'm with my oldest sister. Tomorrow I go to an all-day retreat and then we're driving to Ocean Beach for three nights. She's paying for the flights with miles, the rental car, the condo.

I am so tired. Like really, extremely, self-indulgently tired. Like crash-and-burn-in-the-afternoon tired. Dragging ass, barely able to keep going tired. I was a crazy lady this week, a madwoman, a goddess with twelve arms and three heads thinking of every possible thing I could do to ease and smooth the transition of my leaving for a week, the longest I'll have been away from Wren.

I wonder about this cycle, the hyper-ultra-organized-productive-think-of-everything part, countered by the fatigue, the depletion, the deficit I think I must always be running on. Or running away from? I had my period all week, and actually I welcome the reason it offers me to declare separation. Red doesn't ask, I don't offer, and there are these few days where we don't do the little dance of are-we-going-to-have-sex tonight. The best part of this was last night, I was so at choice about it, so wanting him, declaring my readiness, not the least be resistant or despondent, no rallying required. I was just ready, no holds barred. At 8pm I told him you're coming upstairs with me, the girls are camped out with snacks and chocolate chips in front of a movie, they will be happy and honestly I don't think this is going to last all that long. So we went up and by the time he got in the room I was naked, joking that he is such a good sport. It was so fast and so electric and good, I thought why can't it, why isn't it always like this? But more than that, I loved feeling him get all sweaty and the freedom I felt and the abandon of claiming our time, not waiting diligently till later when I am too damn tired.

So as for all that exhaustion I stated earlier, feeling so attached to it, dramatic about it... that disappeared last night for about 15 minutes.

Makes me wonder what else would make it disappear. What else could I do more or less of to be more energetic??? I'm curious about the ayurveda stuff I know Foxy and who else among you knows about.

Reading your posts lately, I have this sneaking suspicion there's more roiling and rolling beneath the surface than I have been able to name lately. I am racing along. I still worry too much, in general, worry about being and doing enough, what would it look like to let down more, who would I be and on the other hand, it all comes down to so much self-judgment that I just want to let my face go slack, to cry, to be still, to be enough exactly as I am in this moment.

I am in the airport! With my sister! And my bag with two books to read! Where are my babies! It is hard to leave, and then there is that part of me that knows that after tomorrow, I may want to change it all up, throw all these beautiful tiles and stones and gems and jewels above my head, let them land, invite everyone around me to gather them up, claim one or many. I look around at this scene, with me in it, the laptops and cell phones and blackberries and plastic cups and loudspeakers, and have this thought that everyone here will die. I don't mean it in a morbid sense or a dire sense, but more with awareness that this is it, this fleeting life. It makes me love my girls and Red so much.

It is only when I begin thinking that I worry. Anxiety kicks in. There must be something I am missing, something I should be doing, thinking, creating, imagining, being. But what if there isn't? What if this is it, this is my actual, real life, my actual self here, missing nothing? Do I belong? What is this life?

If it is now, then I have nothing to fear. Nothing at all. Ariel & Wren are home with their Dada. I am taking care of myself by going away. The bills, somehow, by hook and by crook, are paid for this month. Who knows about next, or the ones after that and the ones after that - that is a rabbit hole, and I do not want to go there. The only thing there for me is hyperventilation, and I hyperventilated my way through my week, and I have to keep insisting for myself on another way.

Can you help me?

I love you. When do we gather round?