foxy: just some messy love on a beautiful day.

I spent the day in the sun working at an alternative healing/meta-physical fair. i was holding booth space for a friend while she did energy work on fair-goers. I brought my flower essences and my love for connecting with strange people; new age, radical, old, young, crippled, vibrant, long gray haired mantra-ists, crystal healers, laugh therapists, angel readers, palm readers, psychics... you name it. they were there. and my gift of engaging and talking and attracting and loving and plain old chatting was renewed. my friend who is the energy worker asked me to go there with her...she is less of a talker than me, less of a people person. Her gift as a vessel to hold space while others do their own healing is strong, she works with energy, not words. but i do, i have the gift of 'look ya in the eye and gab'. so we make a good match. the sun was so bright and the blooming flowers saturated the air with a sticky sweet dew. I wore a strapless dress, bright orange. someone put a wild rose behind my ear. it had been so long since i was able to wear the mask of Me, of Foxy. I am always in Mother Garb, small children pulling on my skirt, or hand, or climbing and holding on to my cheeks. Never am I alone, holding this kind of Spiritual Space.

I felt alive.

And then i realized it. i am such a people person. I thrive talking to people, connecting with them. and i have been out in the country, so alone. all alone. Not many people to run into and shoot the shit with. Letting go of my country house is a good thing. i trust jah, god, spirit, universe does have a perfect plan, a plan that i hold in my own heart and that i follow. you know me, i am no religious zealot. I find crap in dogma and naming a god a god, but lately, i have been personalizing my divine essence. my god or jah or jimmyjosephinesarahbob whatever. there is so much good to tap into from the Source of all Love and maybe it helps me to name that source. whatever. it matters not. what i am trying to say is that i trust this whole thing, this whole being poor and moving AGAIN thing. i trust what it will bring. I trust my god-love.

At this fair there was a woman who was beautiful and I just loved her instantly. you know, girl crush. She had the most solid partner/baby daddy and the sweetest, cuddliest little boy named Bodhi. He immediately came over to me and tapped his little two year old fingers on my lap and asked me to hold him. i held him for quite some time. When I tried to put him down, he held me tighter. chilled out on me, feeling the mama love, i suppose. He knew that my lap is usually filled and it's like second nature for me to hold little bodies against my chest. While i held him his mama was able to show me all her creations...stones and bones and gems and silk and feathers. the most perfect body adornment that i have ever laid my eyes on. i seek out jewelry makers. I stalk them and pray for them to come to me. And i found my most favorite one. I didn't buy myself a piece (oh but I will some day soon). but i bought one for Rocker. The girls and i will gift him it on Papa's Day. It's made of coyote vertebrae and kakau nuts and black silk and a crow feather. it's a magnificent. Powerful. Dark and light. Representing the magic and the trickster and the flexibility and the beauty that he is in our lives.

hopefully he will lay it on his collarbone and feel the power that lies within him.

* * *

i have been feeling wildly sexually deviant lately. i don't know. there is this crazy energy in me that wants to come out in some Triple X Rated forms. i want to go out and hump strangers. I want to get paid to have sex. I want to have foursomes, fivesomes, ten-somes in bathrooms of bars. I want to meet in the woods naked and wild, drums pounding and tree-fucking and really large warrior men pressing into my body and fucking me with rocks and leaves and bark i told Rocker about it and he was all about me and him being sexually deviant and yet i don't think he's part of it. I don't even think it's even sex that i want, really, i just want to go out on my own and do something outrageous, creative, wild, loud, naked, raw. have you ever felt like that? Just totally go out there and do something completely inappropriate and crazy. that is the energy i am holding right now. Trying to figure out what to do with it.

It came to me the other night when some mamas and i were dancing down by the bay, all our children safely asleep in bed with their daddy's watching them. We were deep into some good beer and the music was way too juicy not to move in the way our mother hips knew how to move and my girlfriend-mama came over to me and whispered in my ear: let's go get that guy and drag him to the bathroom and tag team him.

I just giggled at her. Agreed he was a hot one. But it sparked something in me the next day. I can't do things like that. It just can't. It. is. not. allowed. I am married and in love and a mama. But what can I do just as naughty. Any ideas?

The night i bleed last week a good friend had a dream about me. She said I was painting my face with red make-up, warrior style. and i looked at her and I said: Listen, I'll be back. I have to go out now, until late, I have work to do. But we'll hang out later.

Red warrior paint. Going out all alone. Mysteries. I am so in. I just can't figure out the place, the space, what this means for me and what I can do about it. I need to honor it. I know that.

I think it may be time to light up the fire poi and dance with the heat again.

* * *

My yoga is coming back to me. My practice. I decided the other day that it was either yoga or xanex and either one really would be fine but pills in the past made me a bit sick. yoga changed my life. it made me a teacher. it gave me space. i am worth the effort. i am worth calling out for my guides. i am worth the time alone to twist and turn and breath and squeeze out all the junk and exhaustion. my empress, i love that you made time to practice. breath that time my way, please.

* * *

I am going to see a Tibetan healer this week. He will listen to my pulse and no doubt say to me : lady, you are exhausted. Totally depleted. And he will be the third person in health care to tell me that this month. Maybe this time I will honor the words and sleep and eat and find the time to breath and stretch. Maybe I will take care of myself, take some time away from caring for others and look deep into my own body and begin to really heal. Maybe I will even think about ending this 6 year straight breast-feeding extravaganza.


* * *

there is so many other little totally un-artistic and silly tid-bits of love and life I could share, but just know I love you all, miss you crazy, care for you deeply. Know I am good and in love and inspired and feeling the beauty of my body and this earth we walk on, this galaxy we spin in.

one last thing, i met another woman at the fair. she was really old. but she shared with me that for the last 20 years, her and 12 other woman, young and old, had been meeting, gathering, connecting. she looked at me and said : you have a coven? a tribe? and i say, i sure do. and she said: good. celebrate that, learn with them, be with them, for the rest of your live.

thank you sirens. for this love. this trust. this circle. this beautiful and loving communication. for the listening. you are all such amazing listeners.

bless
F.